Tonight it's a migraine, an exhausted mother, no sleep, curling up on the couch, and blogging as if that will somehow make it better.
Tonight while I was giving my daughter a bath she bonked her mouth on the side of the tub. It was my fault. She had grabbed at a towel and I went to take it away before she pulled it into the tub, and when I pulled it away she came with it and smacked her face on the side of the tub. She wasn't upset, she didn't even cry.
I cried. I leaned in to kiss her and tell her I was sorry and I completely broke down into a blubbering mess. I called my mom and asked her to tell me that I wasn't a bad person. She lives down the street and I bundled my daughter up and walked barefoot in the cold to her house. I cried on her shoulder for a good bit, then I sat in her living room floor trying to calm down.
This all resulted in my daughter going to bed an hour and a half late, and my head feeling like it wants to explode.
In my mind I know I didn't do anything wrong. I know that I'm not a bad person. I know that I'm a good mom. I know that my daughter is ok, and has already forgot what happened.
But rational thoughts are often powerless against anxiety. So tonight I will miss a lot of sleep, and I will replay the event over and over again in my head. Then when my husband gets in from his late shift I will cry at him too.
Tonight anxiety is an exhausted mother, and crying over tiny accidents.
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